Thursday, June 14, 2012

Barfing Tulips Returns From the Grave!

I got a wake-up call the other day. My hours were cut, benefits taken away, my permanent desk spot reassigned, all that fun stuff. I knew that part of my job hadn't really been working out, they wanted more time than my schedule could allow, and it had been increasingly frustrating. As stressful as it was getting, it really goes to show how easily I settle. I certainly wasn't being challenged, it was really work that anyone could do, and while it wasn't comfortable, it was easy. 

I cried when I found out, and I'm not a big crier. I kept a straight face at work, but going home and later in the evening, I just cried and let out all my frustrations about the job. The next morning I said "Fuck it," and took the day off to forcibly cheer up. My husband and I went to Disneyland. That evening, we had a very cathartic gathering with friends who'd had similarly terrible weeks. I laughed harder than perhaps I ever have before. The next day I re-evaluated. There was no way I could change my job situation, I wasn't going to beg for it back. I've already applied for a position I've wanted for years, which has a bit more challenging work and people I get along with much better, but even if I don't get that, I've decided I'm not going to worry so much about it.

I am, by nature, a worrier. I overthink things, I overplan things, and I worry too much about things I cannot change. I worry about what people think of me, I worry if what I'm doing is the optimal way, I worry that I'm not at a place in my life that I'd planned to be in 9 years ago. There's only so much I can do to change things, and I really just need to realize that, and try to start accepting myself the way I am.

I think the next step for me is to make sure to take time each week to do things I really enjoy. I am a very creative person, I love to paint, cook, sing, make music, draw, sew, and there's so many skills I want to learn. With my job the way it was before, I would come home totally burned out, and just try to get my mind off the way things were headed. Keeping that up, I was missing out on finding enjoyment in the days, weeks, months that flew by. Instead, I want to make sure to take time each week, if not each day, and do something creative that I can feel good about, to make sure that I can accomplish something I am proud of, something that I can point at and say, "This is something I've created. This is a piece of beauty that was not in the world before I made it. I've made the world around me a better place."

I've already started doing some of the things I've put off, I'm working on some sewing projects from a couple years ago. I'm cooking more, and healthier food at that. I've started fooling around in my garden, and I know the reward of pulling weeds, planting seeds, and seeing the sprouts that come up. I should have some lettuce in a couple weeks. I've planted some echinacea for the eventual cold and flu season of 2013. I've also decided to restart my blog. 

The problem with me, and many people I'm sure, is that I get so easily distracted, and the worry seeps in. I worry that I need to "catch up" on my fun projects. I worry that if I tell people what I'm doing, they'll laugh, and tell me I'm doing terribly. So instead of doing some fun things, I end up frustrated and miserable about my reasons to justify not doing anything. I know that's bullshit. My true friends are supportive, and will be excited about anything I'm truly inspired or excited by. They don't care if I end up ordering takeout every day, or stay up all night not being productive at all. I've had some bad experiences in the past, but I think I've weeded out all the "friends" who would rather make me feel guilty to not conforming to the "norms" they feel I should aspire to.

So, Barfing Tulips is back. There will be a different feel to it than last time. Last time there were a lot of promises of one thing or another, and I ended up giving up because I couldn't keep to a schedule, or delivered things I felt I "needed" to do to maintain interest. I will try to be less judgmental to myself. I will share some fun things. I will not use this as a place to whine about how my life is "supposed" to be.

Thanks for reading, if you made it this far. If you take one thing from my rantings, let it be this: Please, allow yourself the leeway to enjoy life. Not everything needs to be planned out, and forgive yourself for making mistakes. Make sure you never lose sight of the things that make you truly happy.

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